I had the weirdest night terror/panic/whatever last night, and I have no idea where it came from.

Gonna back up a bit for context though.

I have PTSD and will sometimes go days without sleep because of it.  My sleep schedule will also sometimes randomly flip, which it did for the first time in a while earlier this year.  My normal “bed time” should be about 8am, but then a few months ago I had a week where I didn’t sleep at all except for a few naps, and now I’m struggling to stay up much later than about 2am.  Not ideal.

But this means that I am sleeping alone, at home, at night, and I don’t like that.  So I keep some low lights on in the bedroom.  We have a string of Christmas lights, as well as an LED strip.  So it’s not super bright, but I can see easily across the room.  One of my symptoms is exploding head syndrome, but I don’t hear the explosions it gets its name from.  I hear doors slamming, but also occasional yelling and pounding on walls.  These are auditory hallucinations that occur when your brain is in that zone between awake and asleep, and will wake me right up into a panic.  We discovered that I cannot hear the actual front door at all if we keep the bedroom a bit loud.  Which is easy, because it heats up in there, so we have the AC and a fan running, and often some music playing as well.  I don’t hear a thing that happens outside the bedroom, so I know logically that if I hear the front door slam open, it was in my head.  But EHS is a tricksy beast, and can adapt.  So now I sometimes hear someone knocking on the bedroom window, or the bedroom door opening.  But one of those is impossible given the floor we live on, and the other will wake me up in a panic, but I can instantly see that there is nobody in my room, because we have the lights on.

So, my panic today was really weird.  I’d gone to sleep around 3-ish, my husband gets home at 6am.  We had talked about me possibly staying up late to try to watch the Grand Tour before bed, but I crashed.  He understands, and we’ll probably watch it over the weekend instead.

Around 7am, I woke up and looked at my phone to check the time.  I saw the time, and panicked.  I panicked because I knew my husband was home, and thought he’d be annoyed that I’d stayed up and pretended to be asleep.  I don’t know why I thought this.  I also thought I’d left the lamp on, because it was really bright in the bedroom for some reason (sometimes I wake up like, halfway, and am either hallucinating or still kind of dreaming, and the room always seems really bright when this happens).  But for some reason, this wigged me all the way out.  I went into my phone to turn off the lamp, and hit the wall lights instead and just plunged the room into darkness and panicked even more.  Like, wtf no wait.  That was supposed to be on.

I have no fucking idea how I managed to get back to sleep after that, but it was the weirdest thing I’ve done in a long time.  And I don’t think my husband noticed any of it.