I have no idea what I'm doing

I have nothing left

It’s been a minute since I updated.

But last night, my husband and I were doing this thing we do, where we send each other dumb tiktok videos.  And because TikTok’s algorithm is fucking psychic, it kept giving me videos about anxiety and the crushing weight of overwhelming emotional stress.  I shared one of these with him, and said, “me all week” or words to that effect.

It prompted a long conversation about how my hobby has become frustratingly invalidating lately, between all the drama, and watching Twitter mutuals get bullied, and myself getting kind of bullied out of an event.  All this coupled with a fic that doesn’t get a lot of attention, even though I knew it wouldn’t because it’s a sequel to a fic that utterly bombed, and basically I’ve been feeling like I’ve been somewhere between utterly unseen, and actively being ignored.

And I’m in between therapists at the moment, which definitely is not helping.  I’m trying to find someone who will take my weird medical loan thing that I also use for my teeth, because that’s a much easier way for me to pay.

But I’ve just not been in a very good place for a while, and my creativity is about 10 feet underground, and I just don’t want to do anything.  And then I feel like dogshit for not doing anything, which has at least led to finally getting the dishwasher fixed and that pile of dishes that permanently lived by the sink taken care of, so that’s nice I guess.  But goddamn I just want to be able to sit down and bust out 8,000 words a night again.  What do I have to do to get that back?

6 Comments

  1. A spoopy lass

    Hi. I felt like I should leave a comment because your fic helped me get through a really shitty hospital stay. But I’m old and just can’t get into the idea of actually commenting on AO3 or Tumblr anymore after a teenagerhood of exposing myself online both figuratively and literally. But yeah. Sorry if I played any part in how you feel.

    • lokiofsassgaard

      No one person contributed to anything, and my intent wasn’t to guilt anyone into thinking such. If anything, I think fandom getting younger as I get older is the biggest culprit, as the things I enjoy about fandom just don’t exist anymore.

      • A spoopy lass

        Oooh yeah I mean I don’t feel like you were trying to specifically guilt anybody and I don’t feel called out, I just felt like I should say hi since, y’know, I’ve been a ghost online for the last… 10 years? in general watching and reading but never interacting because I burned that urge out long ago. So hello, fellow old.

        • lokiofsassgaard

          Honestly, that’s a mood. At this point, Twitter is pretty much the only social media I really use, and even that’s on thin ice. Having my own personal little space, without wank or drama has been so relaxing. More people should do it!

          • A Spoopy Lass

            Lol cursed birb app. Mostly I just concern-troll CHUDs on FB/Nextdoor these days so I may indeed win the pathetic crown. 🙂 But autumn is here so there’s my weird gardening to be done and costumes to make! This neighborhood gets very little trick or treater traffic so full sized candy it is this year. Kinda miss the 3,000+ pieces and hot drinks crowdapaloozas at my old house, honestly.

            I still pay for my domain registry but I gave up on hosting a while ago. I’m also kind of sick of people emailing asking to buy my URL (so of course out of spite I renew it like clockwork.)

          • lokiofsassgaard

            We used to do full sized candy bars, but even before covid we’d only get like, three or four kids. For some reason, they do it in the early afternoon here, so most people are at work, and we’re asleep. We’re probably going to do something a bit different this year, and get a few assorted mixes of fun size, and then let the kids take as many as they can grab lol

            But I finally decided to get my own little space, because there’s nowhere to host NSFW art. I had to go searching for a host that allowed it, just so I could post those once in a blue moon drawings of mine.

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