It’s been a minute since I updated.
But last night, my husband and I were doing this thing we do, where we send each other dumb tiktok videos. And because TikTok’s algorithm is fucking psychic, it kept giving me videos about anxiety and the crushing weight of overwhelming emotional stress. I shared one of these with him, and said, “me all week” or words to that effect.
It prompted a long conversation about how my hobby has become frustratingly invalidating lately, between all the drama, and watching Twitter mutuals get bullied, and myself getting kind of bullied out of an event. All this coupled with a fic that doesn’t get a lot of attention, even though I knew it wouldn’t because it’s a sequel to a fic that utterly bombed, and basically I’ve been feeling like I’ve been somewhere between utterly unseen, and actively being ignored.
And I’m in between therapists at the moment, which definitely is not helping. I’m trying to find someone who will take my weird medical loan thing that I also use for my teeth, because that’s a much easier way for me to pay.
But I’ve just not been in a very good place for a while, and my creativity is about 10 feet underground, and I just don’t want to do anything. And then I feel like dogshit for not doing anything, which has at least led to finally getting the dishwasher fixed and that pile of dishes that permanently lived by the sink taken care of, so that’s nice I guess. But goddamn I just want to be able to sit down and bust out 8,000 words a night again. What do I have to do to get that back?